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Have you ever started to date someone, began to have feelings for them and then found out that they still hadn’t gotten over their ex? Few things in life are more annoying than the “Ex-factor”. If someone is not over their ex, no matter how hot, sexy, intelligent and sweet you are, it won’t matter, because they are not in a position to appreciate it at the moment. They are living in the past. You are competing with someone they have a history with, who knows them a lot better than you do and who they share a lot of good memories with.
How do you know if someone isn’t over their ex? Unless they actually admit that they aren’t, two clues are if they’re always mentioning the other person, when there is clearly no reason for it or if they refuse to discuss the ex. So what can you do? Practice what I call the: “Lose ’em to keep ‘em” move. Sit your sweetie down and say: I like you and enjoy being with you, but it doesn’t seem as if you’re over your ex. That’s not fair to either one of us and I can’t continue to see you under these circumstances. I don’t want to be in a rebound relationship. I think you need to go and do whatever you need to, in order to figure out what you want. This will probably surprise them and they may even deny still being into the ex, but don’t fall for it. No matter how much they beg and plead, stand by your statement. You can keep in contact on a casual basis (a call or email once in a while if they initiate), but do NOT see them on a regular basis as “friends”. If they ask whether you are going to be dating others, let them know it’s a possibility.
Don’t worry that if they get back with their ex it will be over forever with you. I once started dating someone that had just gotten out of a relationship. When the ex found out, suddenly she wanted him back. He saw both of us for a while, although she thought he had broken it off with me. One night he had to leave to go pick her up. I was not happy about that and told him so. His response was: Too bad. I broke up with him that night. They were together for another year but in the meantime he kept in touch with me. When he caught her cheating, he immediately broke it off and came running back to me. I was slow to take him back and from then on I always had the upper hand in what turned out to be a five-year relationship. Eventually he asked me to marry him but I turned him down. I truly believe that if I hadn’t broken up with him and had instead put up with him seeing me on the side, the relationship would have ended for good within a short time and he wouldn’t have come back.
The ex is an ex for a reason, something obviously wasn’t working. More often than not, if they do get back together, eventually they’ll fall into the same patterns, and before you know it, they’ll start having problems again. You need to give them an opportunity to see that it’s not going to work, so that they can stop idealizing the relationship in their minds. It will probably happen sooner rather than later if you’re not around to distract them. When they finally have closure, they will be able to move on and give you their full attention.
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Lucia is a dating and relationship expert, author, lecturer and host of the TV Show "The Art of Love."
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all my be true but you will alway love them some odd reason sometimes strange things also love never leaves we pussit back in our thoughts
- james
I need a wife who is bone of my bone and a flesh of my flesh white or black
- jammexp@yahoo.co.uk
What is up with the men and women who keep going back to someone who dumps them, over and over...I started dating a woman who's boyfriend came back after he saw us together...and she chose him. But she wanted me as a "friend." (You all know how stupid that is.) Well he's still playing the same crap, but instead of kicking him to the curb she accepts it as a man likes a challenge and insists "he is the one." I finally had it and told her don't call me anymore. I will bet you any money she'll end up alone in a couple of months.
- Marky Di
Wow..its like reading my mind. My guy just told me today that he's not over his ex, and he has a history and baggage with her. Again i got the "just friends thing" for me and him, I told him that i didnt want to be second best. I dont know if i should wait around for him.. Any advice??
- Elaine
I had the same thing happen this morning. We started a relationship right after she dumped him. Now six months into our relationship he tells me how great I am sweet, sexy, intelligent, etc. but he is not over his ex. We talked about backing it off, but after thinking I decided to end it. I emailed him this morning telling him I would be seeing other people and it wasn't right for us to be together if he wasn't ready for anything. The thing is I haven't cried or anything. Somewhere deep down I feel like he needs this to appreciate what he has had with me - before he can move forward with us. Maybe I am in denial, but normally I would cry my eyes out for a while and then move on. I would be really upset and hurt. I am hurt, but I know he cares about me and I do think eventually he will come back. I think he needs closure first.
- Jenny